Thursday, April 1, 2010

Wow! I never expected this...

The New York Times reports:

WASHINGTON - In a stunning reversal, President Obama announced that he would veto the controversial health care reform bill along with other actions to implement what he characterized as "broad, sweeping reforms" aimed at "restoring individual rights as originally conceived by the Founding Fathers of this nation."

Administration spokesman, Robert Gibbs, addressed a shocked White House press corp, tersely listing a series of immediate policy initiatives to be undertaken in the next one hundred days, the most significant of which includes an immediate moratorium on all federal spending, a long-term plan to phase out Social Security and Medicare, and the repeal of the income tax. Gibbs emphasized the administration's desire to both "cut costs and operate within the enumerated powers clause of the U.S. Constitution" by announcing the abolition of two cabinet level agencies: the Department of Education and the Department of Energy.

"It is the president's belief that education is not a legitimate function of the federal government and is an important service best left to parents and a competitive marketplace. Furthermore, after conducting a review of the Department of Energy's budget and priorities, the President decided that the billion's of dollars which will be poured into this agency is a waste of taxpayer funds serving no ostensible purpose. It should also be recognized that with this announcement, the President intends to begin a broad effort to deregulate the energy industry and unleash a vibrant and innovative new marketplace in the lifeblood of our nation's economic engine."

Perhaps the most surprising turnabout was Gibbs explanation of the administration's position that the recent economic crisis was caused by government policies. Specifically, Gibbs stated that "moral hazard created by government policies designed to encourage reckless spending coupled with the Federal Reserve systematic inflation of the money supply has created a volatile, reoccurring pattern of unsustainable asset price appreciation followed by the inevitable unwinding of misallocated capital. The only way to permanently end this boom-bust cycle is a return to sound money, fiscal responsibility, and to permanently repeal regulations and abolish government agencies that serve only to exacerbate this insidious process." Gibbs stated that the President is working with Federal Reserve officials on a plan to "transition the nation's monetary system to a private system in which banks would issue currency backed by gold and silver."

Gibbs added that the the policy initiatives were only instances of a more important principle that would be driving the administration's policies going forward.

"This administration sees the role of the executive branch and the role of the federal government more broadly as a protector of the sacred rights of the individual to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. The state must be restored to its proper, limited function as proscribed in the Constitution -consistent with the founding moral and legal philosophy of this nation."

Democratic Party insiders and congressmen on the hill were left speechless in the wake of these announcements. "I have to admit, we are all a little stunned right now" said Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi. "We will be meeting with the administration later today to better understand their legislative priorities for the rest of this session." Seeking to stake out political high ground in November, Republican minority leader Senator Mitch McConnell stated "while we applaud the President's efforts at moving toward fiscal responsibility, we are concerned about the proposed cuts in Social Security and Medicare."

Yeah, I know you knew this was an April Fools post about 2.5 milliseconds in.

4 comments:

mtnrunner2 said...

But it's nice to pretend :) LOL

Plus, to endure this Administration we'll *really, really* need to maintain our sense of humor.

Dave Aguilar said...

Its not nice to play with my heart this way. LOL

Happy April Fools!

Michael Labeit said...

Whattya smokin in that crack pipe of yours?

Doug Reich said...

Yes, I admit that I was on a 24 hour ecstacy bender when I wrote this.